date: 10/11/2025

feeling: excited

listening to: nijiiro stories - wonderlands x showtime

i have so much to talk about, i don’t even know where to start !! follow up to my last entry, my mom called some therapists, i also called one - and secured a first appointment on wednesday !! i’m so proud of myself and thankful for my mom’s help. the therapist said she’s going to have some open slots next year and that she can add me to her waiting list. things are finally moving forward.

also, i started rui’s shrine page today and it’s even more fun than i expected ! but writing the text is a little exhausting, because i want to get everything right. rui means a lot to me, so i want to do a perfect job.

speaking of which, i commissioned my friend to draw a little doodle for mine and rui’s 3 year anniversary. it’s in early december and i’m really excited !! maybe i’m going to bake some muffins and take a few pictures with my merch. i could add the pics to the shrine page as well ! hihi. my friend seemed happy that i commissioned her, she said i made her day, which i’m also super happy about.

i slept pretty much all day, so i’ll probably stay up and continue working on rui’s shrine. i want to make it as pretty as possible. i’m just so full of love, i don’t know what to do. it’s a nice feeling, like this is what it’s like to be alive. i wonder if everyone feels this way. the world is so amazing, isn’t it ? i want to embrace this feeling.

date: 09/11/2025

feeling: confused

listening to: desert theater - kikuohana

first diary entry !! to be honest, i don’t really know what to write… i would usually talk about my feelings, but i’ve been distracting myself from my thoughts so much that i have no idea how i actually feel. coding became a huge form of escapism for me. it’s so fun to work on my site, i hate taking breaks. eating sucks, going outside sucks. i only need sleep and my pc, that’s what it feels like (lol).

it always makes me so happy when people compliment my site, because to me, it’s not just a hobby. it feels like it has become a part of me already.

my head feels like a mess. i can’t really think clearly, the thoughts are always rushing through. thoughts about the past, the future, how i’m wasting my time, things i have to do, things i can’t do… it’s so exhausting. it makes me want to code, so i don’t have the capacity to think about anything else. but i know it’s not a permanent solution and that scares me.

i still need to look for a therapist, but my fear of phone calls makes it super difficult. i have to rely on emails, but most people don’t even reply. those who do just tell me that they have no capacity. it’s frustrating and it feels like everyone around me is blaming me for this situation, but i’m really trying my best. i’ve been thinking about asking my mom if she can call some therapists and ask them if they have some room on their waiting lists, but i’m too nervous. she did say that she wants me to tell her if i need help, but on the other hand, whenever i wanted her to call someone for me, she just told me to do it myself - because i’m an adult now and i’m supposed to get these things done.

but i still feel like a child. like a mentally ill child who got thrown into adulthood. it’s not fair.

i decided to ask her today, so maybe she can do some calls tomorrow? i hope? wish me luck, i’m really scared of her reaction.

update: she said she’ll do it !! i need to send her the phone numbers and she’s going to call them when she gets home from work tomorrow. i’m so relieved !! i hope one of them has space for me. i’m hopeful and nervous at the same time.