date: 27/12/2025

feeling: thoughtful

listening to: -

trigger warning: brief mentions of abuse and attempted suicide

i just had a long and emotional talk with my mom. i don’t really know where to start or how to summarize it, but it was very insightful. she used to abuse me when i was younger, but ever since my first suicide attempt, she’s been working hard to be a better person / mother. she’s been treating me very well, but sometimes the trauma gets too much and i get (irrationally ?) mad at her. but since i know that she’s been trying her best, i always isolate myself during those phases, because i don’t want to risk lashing out at her.

she told me many useful things, like that it’s okay for me to show emotions, that it’s okay for me to speak my truth, even if it hurts. that i don’t always have to try my best, that it’s okay if i fail. i also told her a lot of the things that were on my mind, such as that i respect her - not just because she’s my mother, but because i think she’s a good person, despite the mistakes she has made.

i went to my younger brother’s birthday party yesterday, where i had to see my father - another primary abuser. ever since i ran away and only lived with my mom, i haven’t seen him much, which also means that i can’t really see most of my siblings. it’s sad, because i’m the oldest one and want to be a good sibling, but i genuinely can’t stand being in the same room as him. many family members were there and i felt very out of place, like i didn’t belong there. it made me appreciate just how much my real home and my mom mean to me and how grateful i can be to have a place like that, where i am finally safe.

i’m looking forward to the future. i want to return to school and start working, i want to be fluent in japanese and live in japan for a year. it’s still far away, but i can do anything if i put my mind to it. i NEED to stop manipulating my mind and my life !!! i still have so much ahead of me and i want it to be good. i want to be a good friend, a good sibling, a good child. i don’t have to be a successful person, i can just be mirai.

date: 24/12/2025

feeling: cheerful

listening to: chigau !!! - wonderlands x showtime

merry christmas !! i don’t really have anything to talk about, but i felt like writing anyway… i haven’t unboxed my presents yet, so i don’t know what i’m getting. my mom is wrapping them right now, i’m supposed to stay in my room (>__<)

where i live, you unpack the presents on the 24th instead of the 25th !! (which i’m happy about because i’m very impatient lol) i’m also curious about what my friends have for me !! their packages arrived a few days ago and i’ve been dying to know what’s inside ever since.

i’m tiering for rui’s event and i’m currently in the t800 range as i’m writing this. i need to do my best, since i’ll be busy tonight and on the 26th and the event ends on the 29th. i’ve got butterflies in my tummy, i can’t stop thinking about tonight !!! i feel like a child, but isn’t it good to be excited ? i’m still young after all and you can never be too old to enjoy christmas.

i’ll do my makeup, we’ll eat raclette and open presents. my best friend is celebrating with her family, but it’s a little different than usual for her this year - i hope she’ll enjoy it regardless. my siblings are with my father and stepmom today. my aunt and cousins are on vacation in sweden. i like celebrating with my mom, it’s always stressful when we’re with my family. i don’t really like being around them for too long.

i wonder how i’ll spend my time until the evening ? i still have to finish crocheting two presents for my brothers, it’s kind of stressing me out. i’m also a little sad that i can’t talk to my friends, because they’re with their families. but i don’t want to be selfish, they always use up so much of their time for me. i don’t want to be annoying, especially not today. i’ll probably just play games and have fun by myself, i hope.

i wonder how the person reading this is spending their day ? i hope you have / had a wonderful christmas !! ♡

date: 22/12/2025

feeling: excited, but confused

listening to: a youtube video in the background (staiy)

i got my stitches removed today !! it hurt more than expected, but i was very strong… christmas is in two days and my brother’s bday is in four days - i’m looking forward to both !!

rui’s event started and i decided to tier a little. t500 would be awesome, hehe. it’s on auto play as i’m writing this. i tried to pull his new 4* card, because it’s one of my favorites, but instead i pulled luka and kohane - kohane even twice. i was very upset yesterday, but now i’m just trying my best.

i’m thinking about making a shrine dedicated to my selfship / yumeship with rui. not sure yet, though !! i sometimes write stories about rui and my self insert oc and show them to my friends, it’s very fun. but since this website is basically a collection of my thoughts, it would make sense to include my yumeship as well, right ? i also don’t know if i should create a separate photo diary or just add the pictures to the entries here.

i’m a little confused, because on one hand, i’m very excited for the future and thankful for my family and friends. but on the other hand, i’m just so tired of everything and can’t stop thinking about what happened to me. i’m not sure if i should give up or keep trying. but i’m doing everything i can to stay positive. it might not seem like it, but i’m working very hard on my music, relationships and just moving on in general !!!

date: 16/12/2025

feeling: weak

listening to: D/N/A - azari

trigger warning: overdoses

on the 11th, i overdosed on my antidepressants, because i wanted to feel something. which caused me to have three seizures… luckily, i went outside, so my neighbor found me and called an ambulance. (i don’t know which neighbor it was though.) ever since then, my memory has been very hazy. i was in the intensive care unit and then got transferred to the stroke unit, before they let me go home.

my mom is staying home from work for the rest of the year, because she’s scared to leave me alone now. she also took my meds away. ever since my OD, nothing has been feeling real, it’s such a strange feeling. i barely have any stamina either.

on top of everything, i have a cut on my arm that got stitched when i was in the hospital. but i barely remember anything. when my phone was returned to me, i texted my friends, but the messages must have seemed pretty weird… i was still very out of it (lol).

i’m recovering decently, i'm sleeping a lot and i have to take three different medications now. everything is exhausting me, i hope my body fixes itself soon. even just writing this is tearing at me. talking to my best friend helps a lot, she really knows how to cheer me up. she’s an artist and i feel like her works have been improving lately, i’m so proud to be her friend.

i cancelled my spotify subscription and bought an mp3 player instead. it’s an mp3 player with a touch screen. apparently you can also read e-books on it ? sitting at my desk is very draining, so i don’t know how frequently i’ll be updating the site. i’ll focus on recovering and finding a therapist (T__T)

this entry was a downer, but it was supposed to be more of an update. hopefully, the next one will be happier.

date: 07/12/2025

feeling: lonely

listening to: dizziness - shazna

i went to the christmas market with my mom and ate chocolate strawberries. they’re the best, i’ve had them every year since i was like 9. for some reason, i’m really excited for christmas this year. i almost finished making all the presents !! i also got into rokku / goshikku gyaru and started learning how to do the makeup. i’m not too good at it yet, but it’s really fun !! i accidentally broke my favorite contact lenses, so now i’m waiting until my new ones arrive.

i started talking to some of my friends again, i missed them more than i realised. there’s another friend i met at the psych ward when i was 16 and we used to be really close, but we haven’t talked in two years. i miss them a lot, but i’m kinda scared to contact them. what if they don’t like me anymore ? or what if they changed a lot ? i’ve also gained a lot of weight since i last saw them. i really want my friends to like me, i feel like they can only do that if i’m pretty. sounds stupid, but that’s how my brain works (sadly).

i still don’t have a therapist, it’s so frustrating. i keep sending emails, but almost none of them respond. i need to work harder. also, i have an appointment with a new psychiatrist next week, which i’m pretty excited about. hopefully, she’ll take me more seriously. i’ll try to open up about the people in my head again. i wish i could talk about them with my friends, but it makes me feel like an attention seeker. like they’re secretly doubting me. conspiring against me.

nowadays, i don’t really feel like working on the site, so updates will probably be a little slow, unless i get a sudden surge of energy. this doesn’t include the diary, though !! but things like the shrines and the photo diary might take some more time, because i don’t want to force myself. take it easy, it’s supposed to be fun.

date: 22/11/2025

feeling: sick

listening to: kontrollverlust - edwin rosen

i couldn't sleep (probably because i had three energy drinks), so i stayed up all night feeling restless and lonely. and because of that, i had / have a huge headache, on top of feeling very weak in general.

despite all that, i went shopping with my mom today. it was a little difficult due to my dizziness, but i still had fun. we bought a new winter jacket for me, along with some other stuff. when we got home, i fell asleep right after eating lunch.

for some reason, i want to start journaling again, but i feel too dizzy to sit up - i’m typing this on my phone in bed (lol). i got a bunch of cute stuff to decorate my journal with, so it’s like an itch i can’t scratch. i also found some cool prompts on pinterest. i hope i feel better soon.

with each passing day, i’m growing more convinced that my friends don’t like me anymore. i feel like i’m only one more mistake away from losing everyone and staying alone forever. i’m scared, but i can’t blame them. i don’t understand why anyone would want to be with me in the first place. maybe they finally realised what a horrible person i am. it’s like there’s a voice in my head, telling me to isolate myself. choose to be alone, so they can’t leave me first.

i probably sound stupid, but my mind really is a mess. there’s so much i can’t grasp, i feel like i’m going crazy. my head hurts…

date: 21/11/2025

feeling: hopeless

listening to: datte - yuyoyuppe

there’s no future for me, so i run away and waste my time on the internet. chasing fake love and talking to people who aren’t good for me. on the other hand, i can’t make any healthy friendships, let alone maintain the ones i already have. i feel like i lost the friends i made at school, we barely talk anymore. sometimes i get mad, thinking things like “you promised to stay with me, you promised that things wouldn’t change”, but then i remember that i’m the one who dropped out. i’m the one who has trouble responding to messages, despite being online all the time. it’s my fault, isn’t it ?

i’m falling back into old patterns. some of my friends know about this site, so i can’t go into detail, but i’m struggling a lot. i can’t talk to anyone about this, there’s no way people can take me seriously. or what if they take me TOO seriously ?

when people claim to like me, i always get confused, because i just don’t understand. i don’t know how to act like “me”. i feel like i’m lying to everyone, because i have no idea who i am. this entry is a mess and i know i’m not making any sense… this must be a pain to read (lol).

it’s ironic how alone i feel, despite the people living in my head. i wish i could talk about them, but i’m always scared that others won’t believe me or think i’m crazy. i don’t know too much about them anyway… there used to be a time when they took control on a regular basis, but now it’s mostly me, even when i want to switch. maybe it’s because i’m taking those meds now ? my old therapist told me to talk to my physician about it. they already know about my symptoms, but they’re pretty dismissive. but my old therapist encouraged me to press the issue more. i’ll see if i can do that, it’s always scary to open up about it.

i feel so disgusting, inside and out. i can’t stop thinking about how much i want to disappear. even if i was honest and talked about my issues, i would only be a burden and that’s the last thing i want. i’m always too much for everyone. nobody will ever understand me and that realisation hurts a lot. i’m really trying my best, but my best isn’t enough.

date: 14/11/2025

feeling: sleepy

listening to: the norn9 soundtrack playing in the background (lol)

guess who’s 20 now !! my birthday was yesterday and it was pretty okay. the group therapy was super boring for some reason, but i pushed through !!

i spent the day with my mom and sibling, it was fun. i could finally unpack my friend’s present ! it was a vocaloid gacha plushie / doll (i got len wearing a chicken outfit and it’s SO fluffy), a project sekai gacha pin (i pulled miku !), a picture (?) of rui and a handmade bday card. i love her cards, she always draws stuff and adds stickers. both the pin and the rui pic are so glittery !!

my mom actually got me both norn9 AND the aroma edition of 9rip !! and another game called “piofiore”. she also got me a coloring book, an SD card for my nintendo switch and a book on c-ptsd called “complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving”, which i heard is supposed to be really good. i started playing norn9 today, but i’m only one hour in, so i can’t say much yet. maybe i’ll insert a picture of my presents, if i feel comfortable enough. would it be fun if i added pictures to my entries sometimes ? or should i create a separate picture diary instead ?

my nintendo switch is actually kind of old, i think i got it in 2018 ? seven years ago… crazy. so, i’ve been thinking of upgrading to a nintendo switch 2, but i don’t have the money yet. i did get some money for my bday as well, however, i wouldn’t want to spend all of it. i need to have some savings, after all. i thought, maybe i could buy it when i’m finally able to work ? from my first paycheck. would be pretty cool, right ?

my father also came over yesterday, like every year on my birthday, and got me a present. chocolates, cheap wine, a gift card, a handwritten card and 21 euros. why ? apparently he thought i turned 21, instead of 20. when i told my family that he mixed up my age, they were super shocked and upset with him, but i wasn’t really sure how to feel. he even mentioned in the card how he can’t believe that i’m already 21. yeah… because i’m not.

a few weeks ago, he texted me and said that he would pull out of my life and stop trying to contact me. only to constantly ask my siblings about me and show up on my birthday. i just wish i could finally get some peace

dwelling on it doesn’t help anything, so i try not to think about it. when things like these happen, i feel like i’m being thrown back, like i can’t escape who i “really” am. his words really get to me sometimes. for a minute, i question if maybe i’m just a foolish child who tried to run away, only to return later. but i won’t ever return. i have my friends and family who really support me, i don’t have his name anymore. i’m not the same person i was all those years ago. that’s what i think, at least.

date: 12/11/2025

feeling: positive

listening to: zoetrope - yanaginagi

i had my appointment today. didn’t really go too well… she said a bunch of things i already knew, suggested new things and now i’m super confused. maybe i shouldn't have tried. at least she was nice ? but having to talk about my struggles to new people over and over and over again really hurts.

i ate something and took a nap when i got home, so i’m a little better now. i also took a shower ! i finished all my daily duties and now i’ll just talk to my friend and spend time online. it’s my birthday tomorrow and my mom is already preparing the cake, so i’m not allowed to enter the kitchen. but guessing from the smell, i’d say it’s something with chocolate ? not sure though !!

tomorrow is also the last session of my group therapy, which kinda sucks. i didn’t imagine spending my 20th birthday going to group therapy, but oh well. it’s okay. the therapist who does the group sessions is also my former solo (?) therapist and i like her a lot. she’s very hardworking and i can tell that she really tries to help her patients. it’ll be nice to see her.

my best friend sent me a birthday present and i’m so excited to open it ! she always makes the best presents !! i always feel very loved when i receive something from her, i hope she knows how important she is to me. (if you’re reading this, ily !!)

also, i finished rui’s shrine yesterday and i’m pretty proud of myself. the text took me a good while to write, but i think i did a decent job. i just wish i would’ve decorated it more thoroughly, but it’s okay. maybe i’ll add some irl pics later on, of merch and my rui plush, but i’m not sure yet !!

i’m listening to “zoetrope” by yanaginagi right now, which is the opening to the “amnesia” anime. to be honest, i haven’t seen it. i heard it’s not that good… but it’s probably because the people who watched it haven’t played the game. then again, an anime should be good by itself, without relying on another piece of media, right ? amnesia is one of my favorite franchises, i played the original game (amnesia: memories) in summer of 2022 and later on, i also played “amnesia later x crowd” which was SO good. shin is my all time fav, i yumeship with him, but i also love ukyo. maybe i should watch the anime after all ? i mean, if it’s based on the game it can’t be that bad. i just wonder how they incorporated the different routes in one anime.

i haven’t really seen a good anime adaptation of an otome game yet. maybe because it can’t really encapsulate the charm of the original ? like making your own choices and having different endings ? and imagining yourself as the MC. but then again, maybe i should give those kinds of anime another chance.

the reverse works well though !! for example, the “hamefura” anime came out first and then they made an otome game based on that, “hamefura pirates”. the original title is “my next life as a villainess: all routes lead to doom -pirates of the disturbance-”, but that doesn’t really roll off the tongue (lol). to be fair, you play as catarina, so you can’t really insert yourself, but it was an amazing experience nonetheless (coming from someone who isn’t the biggest fan of isekai). my favs are nicol and silva UGHHH I LOVE THEM !!

i drifted off, but rambling about otome games was fun. i had some new ones on my birthday wishlist, maybe i’ll be able to play a new game soon !! i really want to get into norn9 and 9rip. if i remember correctly, 9rip features a few voice actors i like, such as toki shunichi, okamoto nobuhiko and kakihara tetsuya (who played shin in “amnesia” !! it’s all coming together lmao).

that’s it for now, i hope tomorrow will be a good day !!

date: 10/11/2025

feeling: excited

listening to: nijiiro stories - wonderlands x showtime

i have so much to talk about, i don’t even know where to start !! follow up to my last entry, my mom called some therapists, i also called one - and secured a first appointment on wednesday !! i’m so proud of myself and thankful for my mom’s help. the therapist said she’s going to have some open slots next year and that she can add me to her waiting list. things are finally moving forward.

also, i started rui’s shrine page today and it’s even more fun than i expected ! but writing the text is a little exhausting, because i want to get everything right. rui means a lot to me, so i want to do a perfect job.

speaking of which, i commissioned my friend to draw a little doodle for mine and rui’s 3 year anniversary. it’s in early december and i’m really excited !! maybe i’m going to bake some muffins and take a few pictures with my merch. i could add the pics to the shrine page as well ! hihi. my friend seemed happy that i commissioned her, she said i made her day, which i’m also super happy about.

i slept pretty much all day, so i’ll probably stay up and continue working on rui’s shrine. i want to make it as pretty as possible. i’m just so full of love, i don’t know what to do. it’s a nice feeling, like this is what it’s like to be alive. i wonder if everyone feels this way. the world is so amazing, isn’t it ? i want to embrace this feeling.

date: 09/11/2025

feeling: confused

listening to: desert theater - kikuohana

first diary entry !! to be honest, i don’t really know what to write… i would usually talk about my feelings, but i’ve been distracting myself from my thoughts so much that i have no idea how i actually feel. coding became a huge form of escapism for me. it’s so fun to work on my site, i hate taking breaks. eating sucks, going outside sucks. i only need sleep and my pc, that’s what it feels like (lol).

it always makes me so happy when people compliment my site, because to me, it’s not just a hobby. it feels like it has become a part of me already.

my head feels like a mess. i can’t really think clearly, the thoughts are always rushing through. thoughts about the past, the future, how i’m wasting my time, things i have to do, things i can’t do… it’s so exhausting. it makes me want to code, so i don’t have the capacity to think about anything else. but i know it’s not a permanent solution and that scares me.

i still need to look for a therapist, but my fear of phone calls makes it super difficult. i have to rely on emails, but most people don’t even reply. those who do just tell me that they have no capacity. it’s frustrating and it feels like everyone around me is blaming me for this situation, but i’m really trying my best. i’ve been thinking about asking my mom if she can call some therapists and ask them if they have some room on their waiting lists, but i’m too nervous. she did say that she wants me to tell her if i need help, but on the other hand, whenever i wanted her to call someone for me, she just told me to do it myself - because i’m an adult now and i’m supposed to get these things done.

but i still feel like a child. like a mentally ill child who got thrown into adulthood. it’s not fair.

i decided to ask her today, so maybe she can do some calls tomorrow? i hope? wish me luck, i’m really scared of her reaction.

update: she said she’ll do it !! i need to send her the phone numbers and she’s going to call them when she gets home from work tomorrow. i’m so relieved !! i hope one of them has space for me. i’m hopeful and nervous at the same time.